In order for Northspur(my autobiography of
the first 30 years of life) to be written or even thought of at all, a great
change of philosophy had to occur in the very depths of my being. The one most
responsible for such reassessment of my view of the world was the American writer
and expatriate, Henry Miller. He is known for breaking with traditional
literary forms in his books of semi-autobiographical narration. He introduced a
certain mysticism and free association in such works, as Black Spring, Tropic
of Cancer and Tropic of Capricorn alongside a pleasant rawness of language and
sex. Before I read these great works, I had already written an entire book,
stuffed with dishonesty, trite descriptions, and conventional scenes of my
boyhood summers on the Rappahannock River. I thought that was what a writer was
supposed to do. I was under the spell of many an English teacher in the public
schools I attended throughout my life. Write freely about life but not really,
they would teach, some things are not be written about, some things are simply
not literature. Miller came along and said all things are the stuff of fine
literature, especially the unacceptable, the vulgar, the indecent, the
subversive, the inane, and nearly everything else I was conditioned not to
write about. I was immediately angry at the educators of this world but mostly
I was angry at my own stupidity. Miller said in Tropic of Cancer, 'Why are we so full of restraint?
Why do we not give in all directions? Is it fear of losing ourselves? Until we
do lose ourselves there is no hope of finding ourselves.” I had, after so many years of being lost, found myself. And found
unrestrained freedom of expression of this self. Miller was my liberator.
I threw the manuscript of boring, typical adventures of boyhood into the Rappahannock
River one autumn day and sat by myself, sobbing among piles of dead leaves,
dead like my ridiculous book now drowning in its own mediocrity. Mr. Miller
forced me to look down in the stream and see true reflection, the shit as well
as the sparkle of my being. The grief and the joy of self-hood was at last
revealed after 45 years of ambivalent deceit. To retain integrity and dismiss
the hypocrisy of my existence , I had to write the naked truth. I spent the
next year writing Northspur. I am not proud of myself in this book, it tells of
things I thought I would never tell to anyone. To redeem my soul, I had to tell
it to everyone. It isn't a great literary accomplishment, but it is honest and
unpretentious. I am not a great writer. I am not Henry Miller. However, I have
bared my soul, if only to mine own eyes and hopefully, others who read it will
find the courage to look in the mirror and for the first time see the naked
self.
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